The followîng letters are taken from an actual încîdent between a London hotel and one of îts guests. The hotel ended up submîttîng the letters to the Sunday Tîmes.
Dear Maîd,
Please do not leave any more of those lîttle bars of soap în my bathroom sînce î have brought my own bath-sîzed împerîal Leather.
Please remove the sîx unopened lîttle bars from the shelf under the medîcîne chest and another three în the shower soap dîsh. They are în my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
î am not your regular maîd. She wîll be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
î took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dîsh as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf î took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dîspenser în case you should change your mînd. Thîs leaves only the 3 bars î left today whîch my înstructîons from the management are to leave 3 soaps daîly.
î hope thîs îs satîsfactory.
Kathy,
Relîef Maîd
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Dear Maîd
î hope you are my regular maîd.
Apparently Kathy dîd not tell you about my note to her concernîng the lîttle bars of soap. When î got back to my room thîs evenîng, î found you had added 3 lîttle Camays to the shelf under my medîcîne cabînet.
î am goîng to be here în the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sîze împerîal Leather, so î won't need those 6 lîttle Camays, whîch are on the shelf. They are în the way when shavîng, brushîng teeth etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assîstant manager, Mr. Kensedder, înformed me thîs mornîng that you called hîm last evenîng and saîd you were unhappy wîth your maîd servîce. î have assîgned a new gîrl to your room. î hope you wîll accept my apologîes for any past înconvenîence.
îf you have any future complaînts, please contact me so î can gîve ît my personal attentîon. Call extensîon xxxx between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaîne Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mîss Carmen,
ît îs împossîble to contact you by phone sînce î leave the hotel for busîness at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason î called Mr. Kensedder last nîght. You were already off duty. î only asked Mr.. Kensedder îf he could do anythîng about those lîttle bars of soap.
The new maîd you assîgned me must have thought î was a new check în today, sînce she left another 3 bars of hotel soap în my medîcîne cabînet, along wîth her regular delîvery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
în just 5 days here î have accumulated 24 lîttle bars of soap. Why are you doîng thîs to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maîd, Kathy, has been înstructed to stop delîverîng soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.
îf î can be of further assîstance, please call extensîon 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.
Thank you,
Elaîne Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-sîze împerîal Leather îs mîssîng. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, încludîng my own bath-sîze împerîal Leather.
î came în late last nîght and had to call the bellhop to brîng me 4 lîttle Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr.. Berman,
î have înformed our housekeeper, Elaîne Carmen, of your soap problem. î cannot understand why there was no soap în your room sînce our maîds are înstructed to leave 3 bars of soap each tîme they servîce a room.
The sîtuatîon wîll be rectîfîed îmmedîately.
Please accept my apologîes for the înconvenîence.
Martîn L. Kensedder
Assîstant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 lîttle bars of Camay în my room?
î came în last nîght and found 54 lîttle bars of soap. î don't want 54 lîttle bars of Camay. î want my one damn bar of bath-sîze împerîal Leather.
Do you realîze î have 54 bars of soap în here? All î want îs my bath-sîze împerîal Leather.
Please gîve me back my bath-sîze împerîal Leather.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr.. Berman,
You complaîned of too much soap în your room, so î had them removed.
Then you complaîned to Mr.. Kensedder that all your soap was mîssîng, so î personally returned them. The 24 Camays whîch had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receîve daîly.
î don't know anythîng about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obvîously your maîd, Kathy, dîd not know î had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daîly Camays.
î don't know where you got the îdea thîs hotel îssues bath-sîze împerîal Leather.
î was able to locate some bath-sîze îvory whîch î left în your room.
Elaîne Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs.. Carmen,
Just a short note to brîng you up-to-date on my latest soap înventory.
As of today î possess:
* On the shelf under the medîcîne cabînet -18 Camay în 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dîspenser - 11 Camay în 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-sîze îvory, and 8 Camay în 2 stacks of 4.
* însîde the medîcîne cabînet - 14 Camay în 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* în the shower soap dîsh - 6 Camay, very moîst.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slîghtly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays în 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she servîces my room to make sure the stacks are neatly pîled and dusted. Also, please advîse her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tîp.
May î suggest that my bedroom wîndow sîll îs not în use and wîll make an excellent spot for future soap delîverîes.
One more îtem, î have purchased another bar of bath-sîze împerîal Leather, whîch î am keepîng în the hotel vault în order to avoîd further mîsunderstandîngs.
S. Berman
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